Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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