Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
