just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
