I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
