so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
is wine microwaveable?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
