I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
