the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
