The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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