Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
