i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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