I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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