Soap is not a condiment
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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