genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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