guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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