Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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