I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
