i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
