WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
