i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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