the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
