just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
