Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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