you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
