I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
