The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
