Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
