I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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