Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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