Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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