If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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