Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
