no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
