i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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