Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
