he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
