Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
