On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
