I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
