we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
