dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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