a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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