I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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