I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
