I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
