I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I met the friendliest cop last night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
