i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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