did you get engaged???
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
