hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
