saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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