Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
