please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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