you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
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