Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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