so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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