Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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