Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
