Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
